The End of the World Survival Guide: Staying Alive During an Alien Invasion
Will the predicted apocalyptic date—December 21st, 2012—really be the end of the world? In this ongoing five-part series, we examine what would happen if zombies, nuclear weapons, cyber wars, earthquakes, or aliens actually destroyed our planet—and how you might survive.
As we approach the end of the world in a few days, according to the Mayan calendar, there's the big question if the ancient culture knew something about the world that we have yet to figure out. If they in fact did predict the end of the world to be on December 21st, 2012, is that indicative of otherworldly knowledge that the Mayans had? Did they know something about the origins of the Earth? Did they know where we came from?
Many people believe that we originated from Adam and Eve, whom were placed in the Garden of Eden by God himself. Adam and Eve then sinned, which led to the Fall of Man, spawning the start of humanity.
How do they have belly buttons? Hmmmmm.
Then there's the group of people that pushed forward the Theory of Evolution as an explanation, but was highly criticized (and still is) for inconsistencies and by those who aren't too keen on the idea that life on Earth arose from some primordial soup—and that man evolved from "monkeys."
But if evolution is real, why are there still monkeys? Well, we didn't evolve from monkeys, but evolved from a common ancestor that generated many other species. Duh.
Everyone has their own beliefs as to where man came from and the Mayans were no exception. People of the ancient Maya believed that their rulers were descendants of the gods. Many of the drawings, paintings, and artifacts found in ancient Mayan ruins show gods as strange figures, sometimes bearing no resemblance to humans, with nonhuman qualities and many times flying on futuristic machines.
Since they didn't have much of a grasp on the world at that time, that can only lead to one conclusion about where they believed humans came from...
Yes, you read correctly. We came from aliens. Maybe. I mean, what else can account for retired NBA player Sam Cassell? While this may be hard to digest (just like we might be the aliens), it is very probable hypothesis. I've watched enough History channel specials to know...trust me.
Or, what if aliens are coming back to Earth to finish us off? What if they're done with this silly experiment that we call life? What if they're taking us back to where we came from? What if I just asked way too many questions in a row? Well, whatever the case is, here's how you can prepare for an alien attack...
Growing up, my parents hated that I was infatuated with alien movies. I would sit in front of the television all weekend watching all my favorite sci-fi movies: Independence Day, Alien, Predator, and hell...even Mars Attacks! My overactive imagination not only allowed me to enjoy the movies while I watched them, but while I daydreamed in class about an alien invasion.
Well, what if these movies were made to help us in the fight at the end of the world? What if Hollywood has been feeding us with information all along, to guide us whenever the day came that aliens would overrun the world? The government is known for their conspiracies, so it's a possibility that they've been secretly feeding subliminal information to writers and directors across the world, which then inspired alien movies and television shows. Hello...X-Files anyone?
The first step to preparing for this battle is to watch all of the alien movies you can and learn from them. Here are a few clips from popular alien movies and what you can learn from them:
- Don't trust anyone. You might not know what the aliens look like, much less what they're capable of. It's possible they could shapeshift or even make a human body become a host.
- Leave glasses of water everywhere around your house. It might just kill the aliens. Doesn't make sense why they would try and invade when the planet is 70% water and it rains water aka alien killer all of the time.
Destroy the mothership. Once you destroy the alien mothership, the movie tends to end soon after, in a good way. Just find a bomb and get your way in there. If you're Will Smith, it should be easy enough. If you're not, well good luck.
If you can follow all three of these steps, you should be pretty prepared for the alien invasion. Don't trust anyone, throw water at the aliens, and then destroy the mothership. Easy.
If it's not that easy, watch more movies. You can never stop training. If someone asks why you keep watching movies all day in your underwear without showering for weeks, just yell at them with your mouth full of food and tell them, "I'M TRAINING!!!".
That should shut 'em up.
Once you've gathered enough information from the movies, you'll want to collect all of the weapons and tools used in the flicks to protect yourself. Here are a few weapons that you can use against theses technologically advanced beings:
- Big guns. Aliens seem to not be affected by small caliber guns, so buy big guns. The bigger, the better. Just ask Arnold.
- Fire. Aliens always seem to be flammable, so burn those suckers. Flamethrowers, molotov cocktails, and flammable bullets all make great fire weapons.
- Water. Like I mentioned earlier, it worked in Signs. It might just work for you.
- Acid. An alien invader might be equipped with protection against kinetic force, heat and radiation, but possibly not acid. Acid is like a lightsaber, just not as cool.
- Sound. Aliens may be sensitive to certain sounds. Broadcasting a certain frequency over large speakers may render them unable to move, allowing for an easier strike. Just pop in a Justin Bieber CD and let those aliens suffer.
- Virus. Aliens have technology, so we can send in hackers to install some malware onto their drives, thus disabling their spacecrafts. We can also gather up sick people and have them cough on the aliens. They might just get sick and die, unless we introduce them to chicken noodle soup and Tylenol.
- Magnetite. Aliens are apparently severely allergic to magnetite. So, much so that they turn into metal and eventually get sucked into the magnetic rock. So, if you need protection, go somewhere with lots of magnetite in the earth.
The most important tool of them all though, is to be peaceful. Maybe these aliens aren't coming to kill us, but to make our lives better. If they arrive to Earth with us preparing guns and bombs to kill them, they might just get angry and kill us. Let's just be really nice for once. Come on Earth, I know you can do it.
Just don't let a freaking hippy release a white dove.
If the aliens come, and they aren't peaceful, you'll need to prepare further. After the weapons, you'll want to stock up on food and gather up tools. Just like in every other end-of-the-world scenario, you'll need the basic necessities like:
- Plenty of water
- Canned food
- A generator
- First aid kit
- Flashlights and batteries
- Walkie-talkies (in case of emergency)
You'll want to scour around less popular places than places like Walmart and Target. Check out small liquor stores, camping supply stores, and other houses (if they are abandoned because the aliens ate them already or something).
Once you have all the necessary tools, you'll want to set up a home base. You'll preferably want to set up shop somewhere on the outskirts of any major cities. Large cities are prone to attacks first and you'll also be able to watch the attack and plan from a hill overlooking the city.
If you have to set up at home, then make sure you lock up the house securely. The aliens may be able to navigate from house to house very quickly with their technology, so give your house the appearance of abandonment. If you have an attic or basement, stay there during the attack. Stay well hidden, because if an alien gets inside he might just scan around and not check every crevice in the house.
There are way too many houses the alien has gotta check, so time is of the essence. But what if they do find you and you're able to escape somehow? What's next for you?
If you have to abandon your post, you might end up on the run. The world will be a wreck, but there will be others just like you, running from the killer aliens. If you're on the run, you'll want to:
- Take only necessary supplies. Mostly water, food, and weapons. Everything else you can search for while on the run.
- Stay away from large groups. Huge groups of people are slow and somehow always get killed by aliens. The smaller the group the better.
- Stay hidden. Hide in the shadows. Don't be the idiot that runs in the middle of the street screaming for help. Aliens love those type of people. They make great snacks.
- Find great team members. Incorporate members into your team that will be for your benefit: doctors, nurses, military, police and technology geeks. Make sure you have some sort of beneficial attributes to help the group out. If you're useless, you'll get left behind.
If you've found a group of smart and hard working people, set up a base somewhere far from the aliens. Use this base as a place to plan the attack against the aliens. Yeah, that's right. It's up to you to save the planet. Who else is going to do it? This guy?
Probably not, that guy looks like a loser. No way he can save the day. So now, you've got to save the day.
As everyone knows, all alien invaders are centralized. They will have a mothership, which will be very large and obvious; it might even have a huge sign that says ALIEN MOTHERSHIP. You'll have to plan out how to sneak into the alien stronghold with your group, because there's no way to attack the spaceship from the exterior. If you can, hijacking an alien vessel and work out complicated aliens technology. This is where your nerdy tech nerd guy comes in handy. This will be your key in.
If you don't mind a ship to control, you'll have to disguise yourself and carefully go in.
Or waltz in, who knows. This isn't a movie. Once your in, you'll have to find a central hub where an explosion will bring down the entire ship. Once you find this central hub in the ship, you'll want to place your bomb there. Oh, did I not mention you'll need a bomb? Yeah, you'll need a bomb. Once you place the bomb, you'll need to detonate it and run. If it's not able to be detonated safely, you'll need to sacrifice yourself for the greater good of the human race. You'll be immortalized for the rest of humanity if you successfully bring down the aliens. That'll be worth it right?
If you can safely detonate the bomb, get out of the ship in time. Shoot any aliens in the way and get the heck away from there, as far as you can. The ship should explode being you and should look pretty awesome. Park your stolen ship somewhere and watch the alien ship burn in dramatic fashion. Once the ship is done, feel free to walk away from the crash in the most bad ass manner you can think of.
You've done it. You've survived the alien invasion and saved the entire human race. Not only that, but you proved those stupid Mayans wrong.
Pat yourself on the back...
And thank the movie Independence Day.